Many of you may not realize that you can ask for (free, of course) help in writing hokku both on this site (just use the “comment” form at the end of a posting) or, if you prefer, by contacting me privately via email. It costs nothing but your time and effort. Asking publicly is helpful because it enables others to learn from your difficulty as well. Here is an example of a recent exchange, posted here with permission of the inquirer:
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On Wed, 23 Apr 2008 07:03:30 -0700, Charles wrote:
Hi David,
I would like some feedback on a verse that I’m finding intractable.
I am torn between versions and even if it is a hokku or senryu.
Version one:
The young maiden
Smelling dogwood blossoms
Makes a sour face.
This was the initial/immediate verse.
The problem with this, I feel, is: a. it is one sentence
b. no one uses “maiden” these days (though I personally like it)
c. it most likely requires an explanation that dogwood blossoms have a rather foul smell that those smelling them do not expect from spring blossoms (thus the resulting behavior above and below).
At least I was told they were dogwood blossoms. I certainly must be
accurate in this, yes? I smelled these particular ones and yes, they were
foul, almost fishy. Can you confirm that dogwoods stink?
d. I am unsure how to punctuate it.
Version two:
The young beauty
Smelling dogwood blossoms
Acts insulted.
This is stronger in its reactivity to the blossoms and says something more
about the character of the “beauty” I think, but does it throw it more into senryu? (if it wasn’t already). Also, without version one would the reader get version two?
I think I prefer a combination of:
The young beauty
Smelling dogwood blossoms
Makes a sour face.
Or should I be less specific about the blossom type and simply use:
The young beauty
Smelling the ill-scented blossoms
Makes a sour face.
(Acts insulted.)
Or is it all now lost? You can see I am over thinking this one. Any help would be appreciated.
Also–do you wish it that people (like myself) post hokku we may have
written or are working on to your blog site, that you can use as examples and instruction–or would you prefer
to use email only for this?
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David responds:
As you guessed, you are overthinking it.
Go back to basics. Look for the essential elements — the dogwood blossoms, the smell, the change of appearance of the maiden’s face – in other words, the elements of the standard hokku — setting, subject, and action; for example:
Dogwood blossoms;
The maiden’s face turns sour
At the smell.
It is not a subject for great hokku, but there is nothing wrong in writing such things — after all, hokku should be enjoyed. And if you want to use an “old-fashioned” word now and then, like “maiden,” don’t worry about it. In this case it fits the humor of the verse. The result is a modern illustrative example of how early “haikai” hokku used conventionally “formal” subjects found in Chinese poetry and waka, such as a beautiful maiden, and gave them an earthy, humorous twist to turn them into hokku.
It is up to individuals whether they want to ask for writing help online or privately. Either is fine with me. Do You want me to post this exchange on my site? If so, let me know, and I will remove your email address when posting it.
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Added note:
The dogwoods I am familiar with do not smell badly. Perhaps what you are seeing is a flowering pear, the blossoms of which are considered to “stink,” and would be commonly seen in the spring. If you find that to be the case, just remove “dogwood” and add “pear.”
David
